recently you slowly crawl back into my mind. should i let you come in? and my army is going to war again. haih.. just wanna miss you for awhile. Jason Jason Jason.

你

回来了两个星期。没有不开心，也没有很开心。只是有时候会想你再干嘛。相像我们住在一起，相像我们对彼此都有感觉但一直还是保持朋友的关系。我相信如果我们有缘份一定还会再见面。到时候，如果我还爱你，我会勇敢地对你说。

好想问你，你是不是也和我一样虽然看起来很多朋友但还是一个人在逛街，一个人去看电影，一个人吃饭。如果是的话我愿意陪你。Jason 你有想我吗？你有发现我不在了吗？你依然没有接受我的friend request. 我会等。看奇迹会出现吗。。 我也没有特别的期待什么。

i have officially ended my on-the-job training. never thought i was reluctant to leave the hotel. even though many people said this hotel isn't good. but i still want to work as a permanent. previously was laughing those who convert into permanent staff and now i have the urge. its not because of him. its of my future. if i work here when i go other hotel they will sure hired me.   

anyway i will work hard for my dreams. i wont give up. 

say something im giving up on you

finally i found my courage to add you in facebook and wanted to confess my feelings to you after you've accepted my friend request. but i waited for days the outcome was very disappointing and im curious why haven you accept my request. i've been unconditionally waiting for you and i've sleepless night. cant you just accept my request? is that so hard? i found myself drowning into a black place where all my sadness, doubtfulness, disappointment have slowly eaten me up. i dont feel happy anymore. my heart is sooo tired. replaying those songs to let  me endure the sadness.

while im walking to work today, i told myself just give up on him. he doesn't know i'm upset because of him. he doesn't know i'm heartache. he doesn't know i cant sleep at night because i'm thinking so hard of  him. he doesn't know i've been waiting day and night of him to accept my friend request. he doesn't know everything is because of him. when i cant sleep or im not happy i lost my health and it doesn't affect him and he doesn't know. in the end i'm the one who bear all the consequences without him acknowledge. so what for i wait for him. so what for i make myself so unhappy and so tired everyday. just give up!!! im so tired of not being happy! i feel my world is so dark now. i gotta get out  of it. i can do it. yes!!!

勇气

我喜欢你。我依然没有勇气告诉你。昨天看不到你还以为你没来，我傻傻的在canteen等你。最后看到你了放心了。今天你比赛好想要去支持你但要工作。还是希望你能得奖。我知道你可以得奖的。对你满满的信心。

最经心情都不好，就是开心不起来。感觉到好累好绝望因为没有机会可以看到你了。我要去ferringhi grill 了。上班时间不一样，吃饭时间不一样。老天爷帮帮我。让他爱我好吗。我不想要错过。

很高兴今天你和我说话。当你问我喜欢你的时候我好想说我爱你。但我还是说朋友的喜欢。我真的真的想要和你在一起。这是我第一次一直在佛面前请求你爱我。我真的爱上你了。我可以牺牲我的假期来上班看你。我真的好希望你可以爱我。老天爷让他爱我吧！拜托！不想要有遗憾的离开这里。希望奇迹可以出现！

love

2nd day working in banquet kitchen. was extremely excited to come in here. thanks god everything went well and smooth. i got to see him. that's the only reason why i was excited to go banquet. he's working next to my station. whenever he pass by my heart skips a beat. wish he could talk to me. today he did ask me a question. that was how old am i. i answered' what do you think'. he replied'19'? i answered'20'. that's it. the end of the conversation. was hoping that god will let him love me. just that simple. i just want god to let him love me. im willing to sacrifice for him to stay here. god, pls help me to let him fall for me. i just wanttt him. not other guy. pls godd....    

不知道怎么了

原本很期待去pastry kitchen的没想到第一天就做得不开心。不知道什么原因。我只想快一点过这两个星期。原本以为在smc western kitchen 做会很难但我反而做得很开心。但是一直期待的pastry kitchen却让我好失望好不开心好像快一点过。神请你给我力量吧！让我能在pastry kitchen做得开心。拜托你！

不知怎么了我好像失恋。我对他心动了？不可能吧，就他一个微笑我就爱上他啦？看不到他的时候我会一直想着他。去做工没精神一看到他心情一瞬间高兴起来。不会是一见钟情吧？不可能吧。 每当看到他在做菜时都觉得他好厉害！可是好奇的事为什么他就只是在那里煮下东西就不见人影了。到底是在后面continue煮还是已经放工了还是去banquet kitchen了。每次经过banquet kitchen 都会看那窗口看你有在里面吗。虽然我知道是看不到但我还是会特别在意。我是觉得你一定有女朋友了，所以我才会一直告诉我自己不要再想你了。我的心就是那么难过。之前还在庙里求佛给我找个男朋友， 但没想到我会对你心动。真的觉得爱情说来就来说走就走。haih。。。。 爱一个人真的很累。哪怕就一个微笑就能打动我。真的觉得我很懦弱。

stress!

got accepted from rasa sayang hotel, penang. but now the thing is so stress. because rooms are hard to find. now i found one. even though its far from there but it leave me no choice. ive got to have a place to stay. if not i'll die. and pls god help me to get this place successfully. because its 2 weeks from now already. i'm running out of time! just let me get that room pls. ill take 1 1/2 hour to get there also its ok. plsssssss god.. pls hear my prayer. seriously desperate.

farewell

its been 3 months ++ since i last posted. 

i had a farewell dinner with my pastry classmates yesterday in one city along with Chef Khor and Chef Mary. yesterday was our last day of class and after we finished our C&G exam we had a dinner at 9pm. we had thai food. it was a bit expensive but its worthy it cause its delicious. everybody was attend the dinner accept Emily Teo. i think i would regret if i didn't attend yesterday. 

my alarm clock rang at 8.30 am this morning. i hit snooze for the first time and off it for the second time. i continue to sleep until 12.30 pm. woke up and the first thing came to my mind was i don't need to wake up for class anymore for the next one month. it was a relieve at first. but then this feeling come...sad. i didn't thought i would feel sad leaving my one year classmates. this is the first time having this feeling. even though last day of high school and foundation i didn't feel that sad. this time i really feel sad and reluctant to leave. maybe its because everyone come from different places and states. so its not possible to gather like this again. 

even though we always quarrel, fight, dislike each other everytime, but there are still best times. we go through hardship together, help each other together. but still everytime quarrel because we don't have team work especially kitchen cleaning. but i really enjoyed this one year. i make many friends, i met people, i get to know world class chefs. the chefs are really good and experienced.   

name of classmates:

1. Chia Chen Lyn (cheras).
2. Chiu Jia Ying (JB).
3. Tan Wei Yi (Klang).
4. Emily Teo Pei Wen (sarawak;sibu).
5. Myshia Chong Kah Uei 'ah sum' (seremban).
6. Leong Guang Sheng (raub).
7. Kim Kai Hang (banting).
8. Neo Sun Jie (banting).
9. Han Sun Tee (melacca).
10. Lo Man Seng (sabah;sandakan).
11. Desmond Goh (putra heights).
12. Andrea Lim ( subang jaya). 

name of pastry chefs:

1. Chern Chee Hong
2. Huey Zjen
3. Mary 
4. Khor Beng Gee
5. Lim Sil
6. Alice

i'll always remember you guys. i wish you all the best in the future and hope to see you in the future as a future chef that will took me by surprised. looking forward to it. good luck my friends.... bye! 

stress, scared

recently been very stress and frustrated about the on-the-job training. our batch get the worst hotel list. not much choices. and everybody wants to go Penang. so now im applying for hard rock. and i really really really a thousand really hope that i could get in.. cause i really want to get out of this house. im hoping that god will help me. i'll promise if i success the interview, i'll give all my time, strength and do well in the four month. i'll promise you god, if you could help me this time. i've been hoping so hard to go Penang. god i just want you to help me to get into hard rock or rasa sayang hotel. that's all i wanted. please god! please answer my call. pls help me!!!!! plsssssssssssssss! thank you. i'll appreciate it if you make my dream come true. plsssssss i beg you.

fuck!!!

oh fuck!!! im worried that he got my number again... shit. that phone some more no screen lock. call history doesn't show he called but he can delete it after calling. so now really fuck off. i really hate his fucking attitude. no privacy at all. his own things he keep tight but everybody want he check. chibai you know what is privacy??!!! dont tell me you have to know and you have rights to know. fuck off man i tell you. private things nobody can have the rights to know it. i freaking hate this type of people. i have it in class and now another at home. i cant tolerate this kind of things. it's unfair and selfish. i'll fucking promise myself not to have this type of attitude. chibai. no privacy at ALL!!!!! i'm gonna fucking go else where during internship. i can't stay at this type of home. it's shit.   never feel like home to me, never. worst attitude... when do i get freedom? it is fucking not a family nor a home. i'm piss off!!! god! can you help me please? dont let him get my 012 number pls... i beg you... pls.... plsss.... i'm tired of changing number. so god im begging you please save me for this one time. i would truly appreciate.

最近你一直出现在我的梦里。我曾经读过一句话就是：“如果哪个人在你梦里出现就代表他想你。” 我也傻傻的相信也有点希望是真的。搞得我也心情不好。前几天又看到你和她的照片我就一直在问自己，那时你对我说你爱我你喜欢我是真的吗？为什么就那么一点问题你就想和我分开。爱一个人不是要努力的解决问题吗？为什么所有的事情你说了算？你有没有考虑到我的感受？我一直搞不懂为什么我会一直跟这段感情纠缠不清。可能是我第一是谈恋爱吧。所以影响很大。人家说初恋是最难忘的还果然是真的。但我的是难过的经验。。。。。。。。。 

林珮珊，他已经有女朋友了就别想他了。他会说喜欢你只是玩玩罢了你干吗那么认真？？？！！！ 你现在应该想的是你的未来，不再是爱情！林珮珊清醒了没有。他有女朋友了。wake up bitch!